I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again