I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody


Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door I say “Hey! Sorry I’m late.”


Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?


Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.


Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…


Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read


I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”


[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.


[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”