I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
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With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*