Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*