I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
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If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave