I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

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911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
911: Placing you in protective custody.


‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’


‘Not quite that excited.’


Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.


3-year-old: I need to lie down.


No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me


I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.


My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.


Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.


During sex it’s perfectly fine to say ‘yeah’, ‘yes’, ‘oh yes’..but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming ‘Yep’ ..


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food