I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
it’s the silliest best thing
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so