I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
#JohnTravolta
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.