@CatGee1989

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

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@andreeahluscu

Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.

@MeanGein

Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.

@QwertyJones3

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

@CulturedRuffian

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

@Schmoodles

Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’

Live & learn, guys.

@SardonicTart

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.