Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
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Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I only speak Spanish when bill collectors call
Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’
Live & learn, guys.
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.