Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@andreeahluscu

Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.

@MeanGein

Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.

@QwertyJones3

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

@CulturedRuffian

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

@MarkAgee

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

@NowYouSeeHer

I only speak Spanish when bill collectors call

@Schmoodles

Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’

Live & learn, guys.

@SardonicTart

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.