I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
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My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off