Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
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Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
1: Got burgled this week.
2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?