I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
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12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first