I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

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Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*


Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes


TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.


Two things:

1: Got burgled this week.

2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.


“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman


Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.


When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.


ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here


70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?


me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?