i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
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I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
j o i m p
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Breaking news:
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.