I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics