I haven’t seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?

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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr


[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail


Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.


My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.



dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?


Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”


Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.


Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long


Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.


I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.