Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out