So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Yes, but it was never about money
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
True.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.