I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Smooooooth
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.