@3sunzzz

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

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@annadrezen

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

@abhorrent_wife

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

@dadsrpeopletoo

A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.

@PaperWash

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

@bobbiejo448

Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It’s to the point that Google even knows when I’m high.

@goodbeanalt

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

@proEXgirlfriend

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

@StephenBCramer

I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.

@RobTemple101

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.