@BlindVigil

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

- @BlindVigil

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@Muath_tu

I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

@Gupton68

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

@poutinesmoothie

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

@CatherineLMK

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

@TaylorComedy

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

@MollySneed

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

@ChrisHallbeck

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.