I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
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How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
the last thing a carrot sees
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers