I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

- @BlindVigil

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I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.


(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.


If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.


Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.


Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?


I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*



-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.


It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁


Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.


This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.