I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
You Might Also Like
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.