@HousewifeOfHell

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

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@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

@electrolemon

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

@redthe1

My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah, and I had to give it to her because as far as I know that’s correct

@fuzzypantaloons

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

@Jamberee13

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

@LosLos__

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

@Underchilde

I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

@internetluke

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

@LurkAtHomeMom

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.