I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
🤣🤣
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
We’ve come full circle
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?