A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Went out drinking at the bar last night.
Took a cab home.
Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?
I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
What the heck are these guys looking at!?