I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

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[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other


Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face


Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.


Went out drinking at the bar last night.

Took a cab home.

Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?


I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.


Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.


Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week