fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.