I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
my dog when i have a friend over
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else