
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Me: I’m nauseous.
WebMD: Stop looking in the mirror.
Me: let’s try to catch snowflakes on our tongues!
Wife: but we’re inside.?.
Me: shhhh, just close your eyes.
***arrives to work sweaty and out of breath***
I beat her. I beat the girl who was trying to walk slightly faster than me.
***dies***
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?