I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
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FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Safety first
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public