It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
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Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Me: I’m nauseous.
WebMD: Stop looking in the mirror.
Me: let’s try to catch snowflakes on our tongues!
Wife: but we’re inside.?.
Me: shhhh, just close your eyes.
***arrives to work sweaty and out of breath***
I beat her. I beat the girl who was trying to walk slightly faster than me.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?