Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@OldSpookMan

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

@caseytduncan

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

@UnFitz

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

@chuuew

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

@pizzaguyjay

How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?

@maxlavergne

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

@13spencer

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

@AbbyHasIssues

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

@mommajessiec

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

@lovemyboots111

Are you guys sure common sense can’t be beaten into people ? Because I’d like to give it try!