I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

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I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”


Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.


Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.


Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.


How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?


your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice


I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.


My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.


My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.


Are you guys sure common sense can’t be beaten into people ? Because I’d like to give it try!