@NurseSeymour

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

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@iwearaonesie

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

@FatherWithTwins

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

@FunnyBison

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

@SadieSkyNinja

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

@SocialExtortion

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background

@travisauruss

I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru

@ddsmidt

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.