-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Put the is in disheveled
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!