I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
You Might Also Like
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Cat is stressing him out.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I’m giving up for Lent.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.