@whatbabytalk

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

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@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

@YourTextSpoken

I think it’s lame how Justin Bieber has millions of Beliebers yet Queen Latifah only has like 8 Beliefahs.

@MrSpoonicorn

*a tree branch bursts into a bank with a gun*
“THIS IS A STICK UP”
*everyone laughs*
“GUYS IM SERIOUS”
*more laughter*
“DAMN IT”
*leaves*

@MamaHuntsBest

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

@Gre_Gone

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

@IslandsJunk

Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.

@AndrewChamings

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

@tchrquotes

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.