I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
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[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Practicing safe sax
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS