I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
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me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”