@ItsLaTourette

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

You Might Also Like

@FattMernandez

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

@krishna_van

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

@Parkerlawyer

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

@SnarkyMommy78

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

@SentenceReduced

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

@glamoureptile

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”