I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god