Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
You Might Also Like
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog
Remember mad cow disease?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
ME: who’s a good boy
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom