@ItsLaTourette

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

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@UnFitz

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

@DaddyJew

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

@mjm866

You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

@Hobo_Splendido

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

@behindyourback

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

@SadieSkyNinja

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom