Me, when the whole table decides to get a nacho platter to share
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”