I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
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Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.