My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I’d hang this in my house.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Oh hi lol
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes