I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”