@AndyAsAdjective

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

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@ellewasamistake

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

@AintNoFamily

Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.

@MUMSIEesq

[3AM]
FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don’t think I’m too needy?

@AmishPornStar1

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

@notviking

date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary

@capnwatsisname

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

@Marlebean

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”