I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
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Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Buck naked
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?