I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

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Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly


Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.


FRIEND *opens front door* What now?!
ME: Are you sure you don’t think I’m too needy?


If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.


Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken


date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary


Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT


Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”