I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.