People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
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Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Sending in my taxes
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.