I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”

I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.

If something oozes, it’s probably infected.

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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..


mom i AM the friend that jumps off the bridge


I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*


If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her


I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.


“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!


me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only


This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.


Alarm Clock:

a device that wakes up almost everyone in the house

except for the person who had set it.


Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.