I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
“what that mouth do?” complain
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.