I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
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Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Ken is short for chicken
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.