I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

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Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.


As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.


I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012


Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber


And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”


girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train


Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.


[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”