I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*