[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Bike is short for Bichael.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*