@joe_binkley

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

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@captainkalvis

WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!

ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN

@shkeeber

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

@jackiembouvier

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

@Jake_Vig

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

@sweetg35

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

@mela_shea

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.