WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter