gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
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me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”