“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
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Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
You deplete me
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
these two trucks have the same bed length
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.