I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
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bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Chicago sounds lovely.