I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
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*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
inside you are two wolves
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.