(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and you’re a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details.
If you’re reading this Adewale, call me?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?