@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

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@rickygervais

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

@mellimelle

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

@SvnSxty

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

@TheRobCee

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

@TheHyyyype

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

@Gupton68

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

@bingowings14

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

@PeteSnacks

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.