@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

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@mikefossey

(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)

@TheCatWhisprer

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

@MaybePileJokes

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

@BritXMeh

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and you’re a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details.

If you’re reading this Adewale, call me?

@Dutch_50

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

@JJSummertime

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@angeliav68

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

@Jenny4ashley

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

@LoveNLunchmeat

Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?