COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
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I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I just laughed so hard I have to go use a rescue inhaler now
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Wives everywhere: Good news! You have time to do all those projects you promised
Husbands: We have a cure
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
STING: *reads about murder hornets*
[applies for name change]
STING: *reads about the police*
[leaves the country]
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Post Malone? My student debt is none of your business pal