Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
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It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Jamiroquai because Jamirosad.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.