@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

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@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

@iGreenGod

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

@Skoog

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

@LeonInNewJersey

Wives everywhere: Good news! You have time to do all those projects you promised

Husbands: We have a cure

@kentgrossarth

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

@eleniZarro

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

@faungirl123

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

@shrimple_

Post Malone? My student debt is none of your business pal