I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
describing stardew valley
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?