@AndyKindler

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

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@TheMichaelRock

I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.

@Fred_Delicious

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

@murrman5

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

@squirrel74wkgn

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

@envydatropic

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

@Marlebean

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

@Midgetspar

On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.

@TheCatWhisprer

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

@RodLacroix

My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we’ve both been awake since January 14, 2013.