“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
where do you see yourself in five years?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
men are simple creatures
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.