“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

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I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.


*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*


[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”


Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.


Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership


They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.


On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.


[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]


My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we’ve both been awake since January 14, 2013.