I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
And then there were 4
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
live long and prosper!
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision