@WittySassBasket

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

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@parkersJoking

Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”

@humanaaron

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

@AshFrieds

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

@amishschool

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

@WistfulBlue

When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you’re not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.

@TribalSpaceCat

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

@RobinMcCauley

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

@GymVsTheVolcano

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

@nice_mustard

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule