I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

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Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”


knock knock

who’s there


Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood


There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil


“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.


When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you’re not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.


Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are


A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.


The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.


[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…


before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule