[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT’S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?