{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
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The “baby” on the left….
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.