@gorrdano

I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.

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@Buffalojilll

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

@MensHumor

Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

@icecube

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

@ericsshadow

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

@AngryRaccoon2

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

@JustinGuarini

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?