@curlymalloy

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

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@robfee

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

@HansGrubertron

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

@CountMackula

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

@Darlainky

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

@carlyken

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

@Gooooats

Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:

4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top

@CastAwayKristen

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

@seamussaid

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

@theshamingofjay

If you jump through the hole in a hipster’s earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters

@Real_Dick_Head

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.