I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Britain be like
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.