I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
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My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
This is painfully accurate 😅
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…