@beefman138

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

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@MarfSalvador

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

@greg_vee

If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet…

Then yeah… I’m about as self-helpful as they come.

@10InchesPlus

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

@Smug_Lemur

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

@pittdave13

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

@markydoodoo

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

@Ideal_Victoria

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

@internetluke

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

@AdamBroud

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect