me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I highly recommend anything.
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If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet…
Then yeah… I’m about as self-helpful as they come.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
George Washington: c’mon man
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect